stevie-rae (stevie_rae) wrote,

Why I cry so much.

Dear "You"
Draft 1A
I'm sorry I just miss my best friend. Its been so hard without you.

I don't want to hurt you anymore.

I just need someone and i thought I could reach out to you. Turns out I have to let go of everyone I care about for them to be happy...

I need you to be here for me this week. Since Alex left me my life has been a living nightmare. I need a friend really badly.
I let myself open up and love ppl and all I do is get hurt because I love too strongly. I can't help it, but I'm trying to lessen pain.

I don't want Alex to be one of those ppl I have to ignore to be alright. I'm so scared I'm not going to have anyone.
Its not even like a bf thing.. its my best friends. I keep falling in love with them.. and everyone else with me.
I'm not loving the right ppl the right way..and I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.
That's why I have to let them go. I can't keep them and that's the problem.

The more I talk to them the stronger my feelings get.. I have to avoid it. I don't have any other way of doing away with it.
I'm tired of crying all the time.

 They won't give a shit if I stop talking to them.
its not the same as Alex and me.
I have to cut some part of them away from me..
I already did it.. that's why I'm having such a hard time
But now everyone I talk to for more than 10min thinks i'm their soul mate.. i've been proposed to in the last month even.. idk why...
I have to keep saying no to all these people because my heart is already full and hurting enough but it just adds on to the pile..
I can't fucking stop crying and I can't even see the screen!! T_T We'll talk more later.. thanx for listening. Sleep. lol

Draft 2 J
i fucking hate my emotions right now

because of all the people that say they love me... I love so many ppl so deeply that I'm already so full of emotion and hurt I can't love the ones that actually love me. The ones I love want me to just let it go and I can't do that while they aren't dead or invisible and ignoring me. Its all so confusing and painful and I can't Fucking stop crying.

Its been going on for two years

it just keeps piling on

I keep trying to go back to one of the ones that I loved bc I think that way I'll be able to focus it all on them and not hurt any more.. but they don't want that.
its not like they just say that either

they let me play with thier hearts
and they almost give in and then take it back and It just ends up I have hurt them.

I keep fallin in love with my best friends.

and now I can't talk to any of them
bc their lives hurt my feelings since I'm not involved at all.

I just have too strong of feelings.
and I don't get even a quarter of it back
the love I dish out
Not from the ppl I wanted it from
Sweet ppl I meet online fall for me a lot.. I was even proposed to over a webcam

last month
It hurts so much to be so mean to so many people

I've always said that I needed to take a vow of silence. That way all my problems would be gone.

I would never talk to anyone and have them fall in love with me and I wouldn't have to reiterate how hurt i am that the ones I fall for don't love me back
and my parents wouldn't use my words to twist around and hurt each other

God I have issues

I just need a break..

I need to be able to focus all my energy in one place.
I need to stop meeting new people on the internet lol

I wish the one person I want to focus on would let me. I've been trying this whole time but other ppl keep getting in the way and he isn't completely cooperating.

who doesn't have feelings for me... that's just how I feel.

Its just not the right ones.

I'm not loving the right ppl the right way..and I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.

I'm really sorry.
I think I need to take a break from the internet for a while.

Draft 3 Z

I've been so emotional today

thinking about all the people i've had to leave in the past years and how broken our relationships are..

I feel like my heart is going to explode

I don't know how many more I can build and squeeze in that little heart of mine

I don't know if i can contain what I already have.. it feels like its oozing out into my stomach and weighing real heavy


I know I need to dump some.. but its hard to let go

I've already begun the process... but it just still hurts so much

I wish I had an overflow container

like another person I could channel all of that love and good energy into so that its not causing me pain

its alright

I know what I need to do

its just getting it done that's the hard part

Wish me luck!

Much love,
Tags: and zach, jeremiah, thanx alex
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