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Why I cry so much.   
11:56pm 19/07/2010
 
mood: drained
Dear "You"
Draft 1A
I'm sorry I just miss my best friend. Its been so hard without you.

I don't want to hurt you anymore.

I just need someone and i thought I could reach out to you. Turns out I have to let go of everyone I care about for them to be happy...

I need you to be here for me this week. Since Alex left me my life has been a living nightmare. I need a friend really badly.
I let myself open up and love ppl and all I do is get hurt because I love too strongly. I can't help it, but I'm trying to lessen pain.

I don't want Alex to be one of those ppl I have to ignore to be alright. I'm so scared I'm not going to have anyone.
Its not even like a bf thing.. its my best friends. I keep falling in love with them.. and everyone else with me.
I'm not loving the right ppl the right way..and I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.
That's why I have to let them go. I can't keep them and that's the problem.

The more I talk to them the stronger my feelings get.. I have to avoid it. I don't have any other way of doing away with it.
I'm tired of crying all the time.

 They won't give a shit if I stop talking to them.
its not the same as Alex and me.
I have to cut some part of them away from me..
I already did it.. that's why I'm having such a hard time
But now everyone I talk to for more than 10min thinks i'm their soul mate.. i've been proposed to in the last month even.. idk why...
I have to keep saying no to all these people because my heart is already full and hurting enough but it just adds on to the pile..
I can't fucking stop crying and I can't even see the screen!! T_T We'll talk more later.. thanx for listening. Sleep. lol

Draft 2 J
i fucking hate my emotions right now

because of all the people that say they love me... I love so many ppl so deeply that I'm already so full of emotion and hurt I can't love the ones that actually love me. The ones I love want me to just let it go and I can't do that while they aren't dead or invisible and ignoring me. Its all so confusing and painful and I can't Fucking stop crying.

Its been going on for two years

it just keeps piling on

I keep trying to go back to one of the ones that I loved bc I think that way I'll be able to focus it all on them and not hurt any more.. but they don't want that.
its not like they just say that either

they let me play with thier hearts
and they almost give in and then take it back and It just ends up I have hurt them.


I keep fallin in love with my best friends.

and now I can't talk to any of them
bc their lives hurt my feelings since I'm not involved at all.

I just have too strong of feelings.
and I don't get even a quarter of it back
the love I dish out
Not from the ppl I wanted it from
Sweet ppl I meet online fall for me a lot.. I was even proposed to over a webcam

last month
It hurts so much to be so mean to so many people


I've always said that I needed to take a vow of silence. That way all my problems would be gone.

I would never talk to anyone and have them fall in love with me and I wouldn't have to reiterate how hurt i am that the ones I fall for don't love me back
and my parents wouldn't use my words to twist around and hurt each other

God I have issues

I just need a break..

I need to be able to focus all my energy in one place.
I need to stop meeting new people on the internet lol


I wish the one person I want to focus on would let me. I've been trying this whole time but other ppl keep getting in the way and he isn't completely cooperating.

who doesn't have feelings for me... that's just how I feel.

Its just not the right ones.

I'm not loving the right ppl the right way..and I can't fix it no matter how hard I try.

I'm really sorry.
I think I need to take a break from the internet for a while.

Draft 3 Z

I've been so emotional today


thinking about all the people i've had to leave in the past years and how broken our relationships are..


I feel like my heart is going to explode


I don't know how many more I can build and squeeze in that little heart of mine


I don't know if i can contain what I already have.. it feels like its oozing out into my stomach and weighing real heavy

 

I know I need to dump some.. but its hard to let go

I've already begun the process... but it just still hurts so much

I wish I had an overflow container

like another person I could channel all of that love and good energy into so that its not causing me pain


its alright

I know what I need to do

its just getting it done that's the hard part


Wish me luck!

Much love,
~Stevie-Rae
 
     Post
 
Glah Emotions Self-Destruct   
05:33pm 25/05/2010
 
mood: indifferent
Dear "You"
           Today it seems as though my emotions are attacking me.  I miss my family. I randomly broke down into an all out cry just realizing it. Also I've been wrestling a few questions in my head and heart.
           I have been questioned by others about my morals and what I let others see of my "misdeeds." Just for the record, I do keep a lot to myself even on here. There are certain things people just don't need to know.
           You'll notice most of my opinions on here are about boys that I talk to and not anything negative. I don't believe I have ever slandered any of my family on here but I do try to make sure that doesn't happen because I do love all of my family despite their popular beliefs.
          Although my personal "morals" are not the same as yours or anyone else's does not mean that I do not have any. I just value different things in life. Mine is mostly dictated by love. I don't necessarily practice Christianity but I do enjoy learning about it and having a personal relationship with God and Jesus. I do invite people to attend church with me but I'm not one to sit there and shove it in your face. I will answer any and all questions to the best of my ability to help inform others on the subject though.
         Recently I have begun to explore my sexual life. This has created some controversy across the board. Fist off I believe that sex is a natural thing to be experienced only between two people who love each other. I do believe that these experiences should be complimented with proper safety and emotional support. Just because I have not spoken to you personally about my ideals, wants, intentions, and?or actions in these areas does not mean that I have not consented to maintain safety with BOTH of my parents. I am eighteen years old and have the right to make my own decisions, luckily they have been extremely educated and thought out. Previous posts have discussed some of these safety options. Another point to be made is that its My body and I have the only rights to it.
        My thoughts on marriage? Personally I believe it is only a legal ploy. Relationships should be sanctioned by God not a court. Marriage to me seems insignificant and I do not plan on engaging in it. Granted there may be that one person that convinces me but I doubt it. That person would have to convince me to have children with them.. which i do not wish to do especially within the next 4 years.
         My thoughts on having kids? Well I think babies are ugly, annoying, messy, disgusting, loud, and just an all out expense as well as a blessing, a reason to keep on living, a reason to straighten up, a reason to be a better person, and a way to express a love you never knew you could have. I would love to have the opportunity to mold a human being into someone I could respect and be proud of. Hopefully this is a planned event for me because I just couldn't handle it, well i could but no one should be thrust upon a responsibility like that without being at least a little prepared. I am proud of myself for making it past my eighteenth birthday without ever having sex once because most of my family had their first child at sixteen or seventeen. I think that my personal responsibility is to be safe and happy in my adulthood since i successfully lived my childhood abstinent.
         I am freely expressing these opinions. I am not remorseful of any sexual act I have done and admit to being happy in my current lifestyle. If you have a problem with anything about me, feel free to say it to my face up front but don't expect to change or influence me.
        I have had this live journal for about seven years and not once got a comment from anyone other than my friends and family ( none in the last few years) until I started talking about sex. Just an observation.
Much love,
~Stevie
 
     Post
 
*Sigh*   
01:35am 01/05/2010
 
mood: worried
Dear "You"
           I just got really depressed all of a sudden... I was updating my live journal earlier and read through some past stuff.. started thinking about the last two years.. and then started thinking about my immediate future.. the next two months.. and how much its changed and will change and all this scary shit that's going to happen..I'm not exactly sure where my mind was.. but at one point I picked up my knife... it scared me..Where I am in life right now is freaking me out. I don't wanna leave. I don't want high school to be over, especially since it feels like I never really got to experience it like I'm supposed to. I don't want to find out...that i'm not going to be able to go where I wanted. I don't want to be a stupid little kid in the real world... Most of all I don't want to leave my best friend.
much love,
~Stevie-Rae
 
     Post
 
Jet Fastly- Space Detective   
10:33pm 30/04/2010
 
mood: amused
Dear "you"
          I love this story that Kaz wrote.. http://zaklane.tumblr.com/post/562144286/jet-fastly-space-detective?ref=nf . We have stayed friends this whole long time, even through the horrid tragedies and hardships we faced separately but at the same time. I mentioned all of these in "Life at its Worst." I hope that you enjoy his writing as much as I do.
much love,
~Stevie
 
     Post
 
Redundancy   
10:17pm 07/03/2010
 
mood: depressed
Time
Same thing over and over
Loving you, red lipstick,
low cut shirts, Androgyny

I'm going to throw up...
The ring's slipping off my finger
I have better(more important) things I should be doing
I don't know what I want to do

I'm a lil depressed today.
I miss my mom.
Spilling beans
I hope things get better...

I know what I should do.
I need to grow up.
Why?
I'm an adult.

My favorite song is playing
in the background
of my melt down.
I still have hope.

I want to share my thoughts...
Boiling water
Maybe someone can help me if I do...
No.

Go ahead and cry, I tell myself...
Maybe I'll gather some strength.
Fool them all.
No one can help me.

Time to grow up.
Writing is the only way I can help myself survive.
I may fail my endeavors but i'll stay alive...
if you can call this living.

You don't know me.
You all don't know...
I'm a smear on this paper,
the paper life is painted on.

I'm an insignificant smear,
but at least
without me
it wouldn't be such a beautiful scenery.
 
     Post
 
AN ORGASMIC INDIVIDUAL   
10:12pm 04/02/2010
 
mood: anxious
(Warning: drawn out, be patient lol)

The season is dead.
The morning has risen.
My feelings are bare.
Life seems unfair.

The season is dead.
Love's not for me.
My feelings are bare.
I just sit in my chair.

The morning has risen.
Love sick forever and always.
Life seems unfair.
He doesn't care.

Love's not for me.
To him I'm just a fantasy.
I just sit in my chair.
Our continuous romantic affair.

Love sick forever and always.
I came down from my high.
He doesn't care.
Every time I hit a snare.

To him I'm just a fantasy.
I'm not part of his reality.
Our continuous romantic affair.
Make me real if you dare.

I came down from my high.
He is my addiction.
Every time I hit a snare.
Him and his dark hair.

I'm not part of his reality.
I want him to be a part of mine.
Make me real if you dare.
We'd make a nymphatic pair.

He is my addiction.
My sensual desire.
Him and his dark hair.
You make me gasp for air.

I want him to be part of mine.
He won't let me in.
We'd make a nymphatic pair.
If only love was fair.

My sensual desire.
An orgasmic intellectual.
You make me gasp for air.
Realizing my intentions, you scare.

He won't let me in.
He thinks he's protecting something.
If only love was fair.
Affinity in your aspiring stare.

An orgasmic intellectual.
A person I know inside and out.
Realizing my intentions, you scare.
Descriptions like Hemingway's, compare.

He thinks he's protecting something.
Wondering what he truly wants.
Affinity in your aspiring stare.
A connection I can't tear.

A person I know inside and out.
Predicting even your thoughts.
Descriptions like Hemingway's, compare.
Makes you think, "not fair."

Wondering what he truly wants.
Wish you'd just tell me.
A connection I can't tear.
Then I wouldn't be in such despair.

Predicting even your thoughts.
Fantastic images.
Makes you think, "not fair."
A myriad of emotions to spare.

Wish you'd just tell me.
You're my intoxicating mystery.
Then I wouldn't be in such despair.
Let me know you care.
 
     Post
 
"Does anyone See?"   
10:07pm 04/02/2010
 
mood: depressed
I'm part of the scenery.
You're laughing and having a good time.
I'm there too,
Does anyone notice?
I'm part of the scenery.

I'm part of the scenery.
You're telling a story and everyone's listening.
I try to speak,
Does anyone hear me?
I'm part of the scenery.

I'm part of the scenery.
You're like a small family and all the same people are there.
I'm still trying to join in,
Does anyone care?
I'm part of the scenery.

I'm part of the scenery.
You're going places together and getting closer.
I'm not invited,
Does anyone miss me?
I'm part of the scenery.

I'm part of the scenery.
You're not talking to me and inviting an old friend to join in the fun.
I'm tired of trying,
Does anyone see?
I'm part of the scenery.

I'm part of the scenery.
You're laughing and having a good time.
I'm leaving,
Does anyone notice?
I'm just part of the scenery.
 
     Post
 
Poem about my recurring problems....   
09:29pm 02/06/2009
  Unexplained Phenomenon

Can't think....
My stomach hurts.
Wish I had motivation to actually do my school work.
Ever since I can remember I have been a procrastinator.
Thinking back to the second grade I remember sitting there with my homework in front of me feeling the same way I do now; only then my excuse was that I couldn't read, when I knew I could.
Now I don't even have an excuse.
It's just an unexplained phenomenon that hinders me from completing my work even when every resource necessary is available to me.

Can't think....
My head is swimming with unrelated thoughts.
Wish I had the ability to concentrate on any one thing.
Ever since I can remember I have been a procrastinator.
Thinking back to church last week I remember sitting there with the preacher in front of me feeling the same way I do now; only then I was asking God to answer me why, when I knew only I could.
Now I haven't got an answer.
It's still just an unexplained phenomenon that hinders me from completing my work even when every resource necessary is available to me.

Can't think....
My philosophical mind pauses.
Wish I had the insight to actually identify this hindrance.
Ever since I can remember I have been a procrastinator.
Thinking back to when i started this passage I remember sitting there feeling the same way I will later; that I would never accomplish progress, when i know I will.
Now I have made progress.
But It's still just an unexplained phenomenon that hinders me from completing my work even when every resource necessary is available to me.
 
     Post
 
Hippi with that Elfen Look   
10:03pm 03/04/2009
 
mood: depressed
     Hippi with that Elfen look,
     whose random humor I adore.
     I saw laughter in your eyes.

I never want to let you go...

     A simple Creator but intelligent,
     who highlights life in bracelets.
     I saw a smile on your face.

I never want to let you go...

     An individual with that happy-go-lucky style,
     whose hopes fell with world smashing strength.
     I saw the color of your beautiful mind change.

I never want to let you go...

     A tree with spirit lights dimmed,
     whose down could not be brought up with a mere hug.
     I saw a glimpse of you.

I never want to let you go...

     A boy that suffered the slight of man,
     who said "you are stronger than I."
     I didn't see you... you were gone.

I never want to let you go...

     Am I truly stronger?
     I who lend you strength...
     I see maybe I am stronger,

Because I will never let go of you.
 
     Post
 
Life at its Worst   
09:18pm 13/12/2008
 
mood: depressed
Dear "you"
as the week wore on, her heart sunk deeper into a woeful sullen puddle of ice water, seeming that forever would be her unrelenting torments penance, she feigns her existence in a world of cold hearted pseudo-saviors waiting to see if that gallant knight may yet be real, living through what seems to be the nightmare of her dream she holds on till morning once again. These are my struggles, my pain, my agony; a lover lost, a lover's touch once longed for gone, a friend to all blessed by his presence dead, Another great soul suffering in cancerous tides ended his journey to the heavens, a sister so selfishly abandoned her kin for she wanted not to leave her lover, sister of that sister awe struck with disbelief of such a horrid deed for now she has no one to be her confidant, friend or foe, a mother's best friend blessed with life but at what seems to be a most unlikely timing, As a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter and a friend I dream of a time when someone would be there for me as i am there for all of them, but as of this moment..I am alone..save my mother.
much love,
~Stevie
 
     Post
 
Letter to Poem   
09:50pm 12/11/2008
 
mood: calm
Conditionally Forever and Always

I still love you.
Let me reiterate
Conditionally Forever and Always

I've experienced a quartet of kisses
since my Heart
was ripped open
and forced shut.

None of theirs
could compare
to the Heart stopping
effect of yours.

Events between us
I have accepted
set in past
Yet to no avail
have I silenced
our joyous memories...

Haunting in day
and in night
as the days
pass me by
you continue
to be there
no matter
how much
I pretend
that I want you
to disappear.

You are Forever
keeping me guessing
(Forgive my Litotes)
Your meretricious behavior
it baffles me.
That act of Insensateness
In true sullen nature
I deplore Incongruity

I SEE you.
You who carry
such a burdon
One that mysteriously
happens to melt away
as I talk to you.

Just as soon
as you try
to Feign Apathy
I can see it again.

Why can't you be straight forward with me for once?

Stop sending me
Mixed sugnals
and get
your point
across!

Having to focus
on a multitude
of boys at once
keeping me from feeling
the Extent
of my agonizing
Love for You.

You are not Perfect
and by Far
more detached from
your feelings than
I would like
    But
   You
  make
    Me
Happy.
 
     Post
 
Relationship choice.   
03:48pm 11/11/2008
 
mood: contemplative

Dear "You"
           Me being the symbiotic little person that I am, while mommy and ian were having a heated discussion i decided to reflect on my own situation. I started thinking about how I am not as happy as I could allow myself to be. I was happy with Alex. I have so many people in my life that could make me happy. There are obstacles in my way to all of them, BUT the one in my way of him is me. Although he broke my heart and I just let it happen, I think that he could make it up to me for a short while at least until he graduates high school. So why not give myself the chance to be happy instead of wallowing in my misery? 
          I won't be too bold about it at first but i will get my point across if its the last thing i do socially for a while. I think I will procede in the same manner as he did. He has been writing this poetry on myspace bulletins..I will post them later im on a seperate computer at the moment. But the gist of it is that he speaks of this girl, whom closely resembles me, that he is still in love with and he is asking her to make the moves. He wants to know that he is wanted before he makes a fool of himself telling her that he made a mistake by letting her go. I was angered by this pathetic attempt because I am tired of having to make all the moves. I wrote this in response to his poems;

A surfeit of Feelings

jumbled up in a heart shaped mass.

Ranging from endless to Infinity.

The smallest atomic element

swaying the obvious emotion..

 

Why do they Torture me so?

How can they Expect me

to Predict their feelings?

I am only an innocent girl..

 

Tell me, TELL ME!

guessing is not my Forte..

You can't expect me to make

the first move,

because it won't happen.

 

What about what I want?

Happiness, safety,

someone who cares

enough to stay.

I had it, it was taken away from me.

 

All I really want,

like every girl in the world,

is to be Needed.

Needed by someone who

makes them feel

Invincible not Invisable.

 

How do you do that?

By telling them

three simple words,

I Love You.

          I wanted him to see it but im not sure if he did or not. He hasn't written anything about her since. I changed my mind about making the moves last night. I figure that if I am the one who wants something than why wait for t to come to me? So I wrote this letter last night that I will convert into a poem and post on myspace so that he can see it. Hopefully that will give him the courage to come up to me in real life and bring up his feelings. I plan to have things the way that I want them by monday. It is national Kiss day..you can infer my plans. Anyway here is the letter:
         I still love you.
         Like I said, I will always and forever keep the feelings that I have for you. I've kissed four guys since you broke my heart and none of theirs compares to the feeling I get from yours. I've come to accept what happened between us and put it in the past but I can't silence our memories... They haunt me day and night and as the days pass by, you continue to be there no matter how much I pretend that I want you to disappear. You are forever keeping me guessing but I can't help to see that you seem to be carrying some mysterious burdon that happens to melt away as I talk to you. Just as soon as you try to pretend that it isn't there I can see it again. Why can't you be straight forward with me for once? Stop sending me mixed signals and get your point across! I have to focus on many people at one time to keep me from feeling the extent of my agonizng love for you. You are not perfect and by far more detatched from your feelings as I would like but you make me happy.

       Well thats it and I can't say that its perfect but it deffinitely represents how I feel about the matter.
much love,
~Stevie

 
     Post
 
Girl, Invincible not Invisable.   
01:31pm 26/10/2008
  Dear "You"
They seem to just keep confusing me, sending mixed signals

A suffeit of Feelings

jumbled up in a heart shaped mass.

Ranging from endless to Infinity.

The smallest atomic element

swaying the obvious emotion..

 

Why do they Torture me so?

How can they Expect me

to Predict their feelings?

I am only an innocent girl..

 

Tell me, TELL ME!

guessing is not my Forte..

You can't expect me to make

the first move,

because it won't happen.

 

What about what I want?

Happiness, safety,

someone who cares

enough to stay.

I had it, it was taken away from me.

 

All I really want,

like every girl in the world,

is to be Needed.

Needed by someone who

makes them feel

Invincible not Invisable.

 

How do you do that?

By telling them

three simple words,

I Love You.

 
     Post
 
Love of My Life   
01:46pm 11/10/2008
 
mood: wanting

Darkness surrounds me from every angle...

 

Not just an ennui

but  a state

of manevolence...

 

A single affable aspect

appears before you,

...My Smile,...

monopolized as a marvelous facade,

 

A gorgeous rarity

in its pure form.

 

Surfacing Only in

His presence.

 

Can you decipher a message,

a pattern?

 

My Paean.

 

I sing for Him.

 

He who brightens my days.

 

He who Frames my existance.

 

Can you decipher a message,

a pattern?

 

My Paean.

 

I sing for Him.

 

He who feeds my Flaccid soul.

 

He who brings Faith..

..into...

Myself.

 

Darkness surrounds me from every angle...

 

Except His.

 

His that nulifies falsities,

and uncovers reality.

 

Can you decipher a message,

a pattern?

 

My Paean.

 

I sing for Him.

 

He whose presence

 

Brings

 

Me

 

TRUE

 

HAPPINESS.

 
     Post
 
   
01:46pm 23/02/2008
 

 Dear "You"
             Ok, so i haven't written in a while. I have a number of things that i could tell you; the results of our cruise, if i passed the first semester, how Christmas and the new year went, how Valentines day was, and my latest relationship status. While i go into detail about these topics please excuse my lack of focus. I tend to get off topic when im just recanting on past events.

             The Cruise: We had a blast! I met tons of new people. We went on all the ports. It was awsome! There were Christmas decorations everywhere and they don't even celebrate it lol. We brought back lots of stuff xD. It was hard to fit it all in our suit cases lol. It was pretty kewl that we had formal dinners in "the Posh restraunt". The arcade was pretty neat aswell. I beat my cousin Danny at air hockey xD lol. I beat a couple other boys too hehe. I enjoyed myself thoroughly on this trip. It was sooo much colder when we got back to North Carolina though. I guess spending ten days in the Carribbean will do that to you. We got T-shirts to commemorate Grandpapa's Birthday Cruise also xD. That club thing wasn't so much fun. They kept playin the same bad song a million and one times. I had more fun hangin out with my little cousin Timmy and all his 11-14 year old friends. They played some amazingly freaky games lol. It was Fawsome! I got to face my fear of hieghts on one of those ski lift type things over St. Thomas. Overall it was a great experience for me.
             So did i pass the semester?

 
     Post
 
I'll EAT your FAMBLY   
10:13pm 28/10/2007
 
mood: bored

 Dear "You"
             Today was pretty.. well, awsome. I woke up late but just in time for breakfast xD. Mommy made us halloween cinnamon buns w/ orange colored frosting and some sort of cheesy sausage glop. It was pretty good xD
  Ive been distracted by Chris Brown's IMs on yahoo, so i watched a chris angel video it was insane. then my sis wanted to show me stuff after i showed her the video.
  Okay back to this morning. We were all looking for pix of jackolanterns to give us some ideas of what to carve into our pumpkins. I had decided I wanted to do a pic of Kaz on one side and Jack Skellington on the other but I couldn't find a good pic of that one face Jack makes when he is scaring the little kids. So I did a pic of grilled cheese xD I also wrote "GriLLED CHeese" just like that above the pic so ppl knew what it was xD I took too long looking for pics so Imma do the other side tomarrow. I decided to create a pic mixing two of his, the drawing he made of himself as a zombie on my b-day card and that one of him under the Unauthorised parking sign wearing the top hat.
  Then Gage and I went out side to start on the gianormaous spider. we used ten 48 gallon black trashbags, twist ties, paint and a significant amount of the leaves we raked yesterday. It took a while. We had started a  little bit after mommy and Ian went to the store. We didn't finish untill it was about to get dark. Some of the neighbors saw us working on it and complimented our craftsmanship xD We wrote "I'll EAT your FAMBLY" in a speech bubble on its head. The neighbors and especialy mommy loved itand said it was funny.
  Gagie and I went inside for a few minutes gathering the materials for the scare crow and checking all my mssngrs and my ms. Nobody mssgd me today, at all except for my sister Kayla in the other room. I had to mssg Chris first. Mommy was having a hard time with the sewwing machine. She curses the most when she is messing with that thing, even more than dealing with the stupid stuff my Step dad does.
  Well, anyways we got to stuff the pants and start on the painting of the sweatshirt, while Ian hooked up a light over the spider, but it got too dark to finish outside. So I took the shirt inside and finished painting it on the dining room table. It looks pretty freakin awsome in my opinion. It has spider webs in the upper left and bottom right corners w/ black widow spiders, mini versions of the trashbag one xD It has what looks like bloody hand prints on the sleeves and one is torn with blood out liking the rip. It says "TOUCH ME" in bright green "i DARE <u>you</u>!" dare and the underline + the exclaimation point is in the blood color with spatter around it and on the arms too. It also says "HAPPY HALLOWEEN" real small in dark blue letters in the top right corner.
  After I finished that I went down stairs to watch Kayla play guitar hero. She is pretty good even when she only started today! She kept getting scores in the 90's even on the hard songs.
  We all got called to eat dinner which was this really hot chilly that Kayla and Gage wouldn't eat. Since I did owe Gage two sandwiches for a dare I asked him to do, I made them grilled cheeses xD (ha jackolantern) I dared him to go in the backyard right up to the fence between our yard and the neighbor's and yell at the boy playing basketball "I'll eat your fambly!" and i would make him a sandwich. He chickened out since the kid's dad had come out too. So i offered another sand which and he did it. I heard him all the way in the front yard XD. Since I made them dinner they had to do the dishes and I served the ice cream so they had to do those dishes too xD I had told my mom that it doesn't make sense to do the dishes twice when u could just wait till after ice cream to do them but she said "Im the mom u do it the way i tell u, i rlly don't have a reason thats just how i want it done, so do it." so they did.
  The ice cream was good. Although, It was funny how Gage wasn't satisfied with vanilla ice cream so he added chocolate syrup ,not reading the label first, and he hated it cuz sugar free tasted grose. Then he complained the whole time and even added cookies to try and balance out the taste but it was no use. Tho funny i was kinda sorry for him cuz mine was good.
  When I came back to my room no one was on so i started looking around and then writting in here, which is when I got distracted by Chris logging on and all that. Then Amy was sending me mssgs on ms then Dorie added me as a friend and some guy named Sean did a few minutes later. So i was talkng to him and Amy. Now they have both stopped mssging me and im extremely bored. Ha so bored that I just noticed my biceps and how sore they are from raking yesterday, and my hands too. Well then I think Im done here, tata for now.
Lovez and olivez
~Stevie

P.S. I just wanted you to know that I don't choose my music by what I feel, I just randomly open my winamp and whatever plays first is what I write down. Sometimes it just matches well xD

 
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A day of many feelings   
06:25pm 27/10/2007
 
mood: amused
 Dear "You"
             Today I woke up to the sound of pplz comming inthe house from kayla driving them to the store. I stayed in the bed wanting to go back to sleep but I just kept hearing them talking about stuff they got at the store and my mom telling Gage, my lil bro, to go tell me this and that. So I answered him before he said anything. then finally I just got up and had breakfast with the family. We had omlettes and cinnamon buns.
  Then I decided to go on the computer and check all my sites. I had a chat with Cory on aim, while i checked my ms mssgs. Then I was told to get dressed so we could go clean up the yard. So I go to get changed and my Dad IM's me on yahoo. I decided that would be the perfect time to coax him into keep looking for a ride to come see us. It made me feel like he really wanted to be there for me and I felt that we really don't have a close enough relationship considering he is my real father. My mom says we are alot alike but I wouldn't know. I hardly know him at all. I've always kept ppl at a distance but I kept him far away for way longer and maybe now would be a good time to let him in. I had a very emotional conversation with my mom about it while he was still there waiting on the other end of yahoomssngr. So I decided to tell my dad "I just wanted to let u kno I really love you with all my heart but i feel we are not close enough and would like to spend more time with you, whethe it be here on the computer or in person, I just wanna get to know you alot better than I do now...Altho I have to do the yard soon xD". He agreed and we are going to try harder to be more intuned in eachother's lives.
 We all went outside to clean the yard after that. The whole shabang. Cleaning off the porch, raking all the leaves, and cleaning the gutters and the roof of the shed. The reason we did this was to be able to put up all the halloween decorations. It was fun cuz we all helped and it looks nice. We set up a pathway with black lights and a light up sign that says boo. Then we did foam tumb stones and a zombie hand comming out of the dirt. Tomarrow Gage and I will be stuffing some old clothes with pine straw to make a scare crow to set a pumpkin head next to. Also a giant spider with a web made from garbage bags and leaves we raked today. I can't wait!
  Kayla and I had to make dinner. We made pork and rice. it was pretty good rice, kayla made btw. Since we did such a good job on the lawn we got to have shakes xD. We had to wait for Ian and moma to finish what they were doing so I went back to the computer to talk to kaz but he had to go and would be back on laterz.
  I had added a friend from my Otaku page to my msn earlier this week and he was on so I talked to him awhile. We talked about anime pretty much the whole time, up untill I had to leave for shakes xD It was awsome. Then I went back and Cory started aiming me again while I was talking to Max. I was working on my Halloween costume through all this also btw. Max had said he was going to get off but some girl from his school was mssging him and then another one I said "well aren't u popular" he was like  "they normally don't mssg to me unless Im dating one of their friends or them So i said "Tell them to go away cuz I got here first! Jk Jk xD" he was like i am actually and we talked for a few more minutes about that and then he logged off.
  I was still talkin to Cory when Matt logged on so I was talkin to him and cory tryin to help sort things out and it helped a bit for them. Then Kaz signed back on so i decided to tell him all about our decorations, my costume and kayla and my permits. Gage kept pushing keys on my keyboard while I was trying to type and recording messages that Kaz had to listen to but it was pretty funny so I didn't get too agrivated. After that he went down stairs to watch a movie with my mom and Ian on the big screen projector. Then I remembered that horrible thing that happened today. I had decided to throw a stake at kayla and my fave Halloween bracelet, that I got last year for my birthday, flew off my arm , into the street, and busted on the concrete. Some of the hand painted glass beads shattered and I didn't find them all either :( My mommy said she would buy me a new one but it would be different cuz they r hand made. So I was pretty upset. I guess thats what I get for having small wrists and a good throwing arm xD.
  Then I showed Kaz me blog page on ms. Cory and Matt both logged off aim after Matt came back from his shower. It was fun rereading all my posts. Looking back on stuff that happened. Kaz had to leave before I could finish the second one, so I just stopped reading them and decided to post a new one on my LJ. My mom pops in saying "do u ever sleep?..Like ..ever?" It was quite amusing. So now that I tought about it I do feel tired so Imma go to sleep.
Love yaz,
~Stevie
 
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Whats Going on at the moment   
10:24pm 26/10/2007
 
mood: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Dear "You"
           I have several items under construction; including name symbols, my halloween costume, a scarf, a pair of pants, a shirt and a hat. Im not sure how that will turn out. Hopefully I won't be embarassed by my failure xD. 
 I found my friend Matt A. on myspace the other day. I really missed him. He is gay but he used to be bi and i liked him. I set him up with Cory. That started out well but he messed it up. It was a while back and as soon as i started talking to him he asked about Cory. He wants another chance that Im not sure he will be intitled to.
 Today was the end of the first quarter. I got all my grades back from midterms and interims. Biology Honors- 96.671% in the class, my midterm is in the preveous post. Spanish 1- 93.3% in the class, 92.2% on the midterm. Speech 1- 95.6% in the class, 105% on the midterm. Civics and Economics Honors- 97.3% in the class, ranked #3, and a 95% on the midterm. I'm praying I can keep it up xD.
 I was suposed to have my Dad come visit, so he could watch us next weekend while my Mom spends the weekend with her boyfriend for his birthday, but he doesn't have a car and couldn't get a ride. My mom had suggested taking us down to Belmont to him but it would be too inconvenient. So since we are old enough, she is gonna just leave us here alone with each other the whole weekend: me, Kayla and Jeremy. Which I am not excited about. I have no friends to hang out with here, except here on the internet, and I would have to make all my own food. Plus I really wanted to see my dad and little sisters, Gabryelle(8) and Alyssa(10). I still haven't been able to give them their presents from last Christmas! I've decided Im going to nag my dad all week to find a ride so he can't just wimp out on me. I am not going to let this one slide.
 I had the shortest conversation ever the other day with Jeff, 31 seconds! Here it is: Jeff- Hey _Me- Hi_ Jeff- Whats up_ Me- not much just listening to music_Jeff- well, hey my sis has to call one of her friends_ Me-Ok_Jeff- call me in about a half hour_Me- Ok byez _Jeff- Cyas.    I fell asleep and didn't call back untill an hour later and he wasn't home.
 My sister got her permit yesterday. It expires in a month on her b-day xD, mine expires in 2 years on my b-day. She is gonna be 18, so she can get her license. You might say well that's silly, why not just wait? Well if you were her and you had to wait almost a year to get your birth certificate just to get your permit, you would take any chance to be able to drive at all. So that's what she did.
 Im really glad I met all the wonderful people you keep learning about in all my posts. They make my life so much easier to bare. A few months ago I was completely out of it. I was having major mood swings and was mostly an all around neurotic bitch. My family was seriously worried I had Bipolar or something. The doctor said I most deffinately showed signs but it was mostlikely stress induced, plus my Hypoglucimia (low blood sugar) was causing some problems with mood swings aswell. After I moved out of my step dad's house and was back with my mom 24/7, they put me on Atkins to level out my sugar intake and I was fine. I am now alot calmer, definately not bitchy (unchoosingly), I smile a hell of alot more; in fact it has affected my muscles and its like I have a huge hole in my lip, I try to drink something and it ends up all over me. Also I have lost weight so I feel more confident, enabling me to make lots of new friends more easily.
 There are many people I would like to thank and show my appriciation for but I don't think I have room for them all nor could I remember all their names in one sitting xD , srry its true.
 Well, thats all I have to share for now. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, I'll definately let you know about mine.
~Stevie
 
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highlight~Drivers Permit!   
11:56pm 24/10/2007
 
mood: ecstatic!
 Dear"You"
            Yesterday and today I had midterms. I was stressed out because I left my books at Big Violet and I was here so i could not study for the midterms I took today. Luckily I knew more than I thought and had first and 3rd to study. I think i did ok. I know i did really good on my Biology midterm because I got the grade back today. I got a 104% but she could only count it as 100%. It is funny how Amanda Sloan hates it when I get such good marks. 
I had let Kasheem barrow my skate board and this morning I loaned him my new head phones. I had to use my old one for the day. I told Jay I hated them and she was like "yesterday you loved them". I told her the story and she was like "your just giving him everything aren't you?". I says "Yea well im not the one having to wear a polo to school because I'm modeling for Ambercrombie and Finche." I couldn't really talk I was wearin pink. I really hate that head phone. It sucked cuz they skip a lot.  After school it was raining and I had to hurry to get into the car so I could go to the DMV and my Ipodcame off my pocket and the head phone was hangin in the door, Ipod located: dragging on the ground next to the car as we drove off. Luckily I noticed before we left the school and it was only slightly scuffed and wet from the rain. It really was a miracle since I'm in high school and anyone would have stolen an Ipod, if they found it on the ground, and its a shuffle so its small and could have been crunched under several cars. My mom found it in the road and it still works! So off we go to the DMV. Kayla, my sister, had already been there but had to leave before she got her permit (almost 18 btw) and has to get a retest after 24 hours has passed. I took the test and got 20 out of 21 so I got an 80%. It has 25 questions but once u get 20 out of them you pass and it shuts off. So I got mine before her xD she was upset. Oh, well. I got a perdy picture too. 
Then I got to go to Ian's, of course, and talk to Kaz. He was havin some trouble sorting out girl trouble a few days ago so I had helped him with that. Today he told me the plans. He is gonna break up with the girl he is dating tomarrow and the girl he liked doesn't like him. He said he doesn't like to be tied down anyways. Well, he LIKES being tied down but not in that way. In fact he likes chains, ropes and hand cuffs xD. I also told him about Amy's and my plan for Halloween. We are gonna hang out with her friends in Apex, dressed up: her like a dead slave stripper and me as a dead prom date. We are gonna have lots of funn. Kaz got a new hat. "Its too big" he says and he got it cuz his dad was verbally abusing him and his mom felt bad. I <3 him so much! I can't help it. He is just so cute, funny, and sweet. Other things aswell I'll make a list in another post. I have to got to sleep soon. So basicaly that was my awsome day. I got all my usual hugs by the way and I can drive legally between 5 and 9 pm with my mom or dad! YAY!
Love Yaz,
~Stevie
 
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My awsome Hugs for the day.   
10:45pm 23/10/2007
 
mood: Haaahhhhhhhaaaaahh!
Dear "You"
            Of course u know about my former "No Hug" policy. Well, that has been disbanded. Hugs are good for the soul! So i require as many as i can get eveyday. I do however make sure no one can tag me. I caught Jesse tring to and he got burned! I still got my hug though xD. IDK if i can let him get hugs anymore. Anyways...I saw Tim today. I met him in my CAD drafting class last semester. During the 3 weeks i went to this school at the end of the year xD. I got two weeks off between schools. It was awsome! Back to Tim, I found out that our buses both get there late so I can find him then xD. I also got my first hug from him! Hehe. I get alot of hugs these days, well compared to a few months ago. The people I normally get hugs from everyday are: Katie, Tyler, Kasheem, Mandy, Barbra, Amanda, Adam, and my mom xD. Then every once in a while I get random hugs from other people. Everyday I also poke Alex over and over between lunch and third block. Idk why, its just entertaining. He doesn't even flinch. Its like poking a dead thing, except he lives! He just sits there and smiles while I poke him in vareous places. He often also asks why i poke him and i tell him "Its just entertaining" and he askes why and im like IDK. These conversations are also amusing. You know what else is amusing? When your sister has a friend over at your house and they have the same name. Its like you say something and they both go WHAT! Its quite funny. Not as funny as Kasheem calling me out today. When he was over at my house, with my sister and her friend, listening to music. Im just standing there eating ice cream and looking into my sister's room, where they were all together, and he starts singing the song to me and im just watching & smiling. It was kute, him singing to me, he is a singer in a band. Then he has to go and say out loud what he is doing and my reaction to it, which i already said. He goes "Im singing to Stevie, she's just standing there smiling and eating her ice cream." Of course I was embarrassed. Then he says "You should come to some of my shows, then I can sing to you some more." I said I would if I could. I was so embarrassed! I can't believe I was just sitting there smiling like an idiot! Oh, well. So later I made some Macoroni and cheese. I had a bowl and gave the rest jokingly in one bowl to him and he says "I like when people feed me xD" and I say "and I like feeding people xD". Then my sister goes"well then you should come over more". He ended up eating the whole thing! It was a fun day cuz we were all playin around like we were gonna rape eachother. My sister's friend was actually scared at one point. LOL. When her mom came to pick her up my mom had just gotten there and met her. As she left my mom pulled her to the side and said "don't tell your mom I was only here for 5 minutes" Laughing. When Kasheem was leaving, he gave me a hug and I thought he would never let go. LOL. He also said something but I couldn't here because of the music. I'll have to ask him tomarrow. So that was my awsome Hugs for the day xD. 
Love ya,
~Stevie
 
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